I’m a month in to blogging again and it’s really helped give me something to work on when I can’t fathom doing anything physical. It’s been great having something to work on graphically/ creatively too, even if my work isn’t the best. I’ve been fighting myself to keep out of the adobe world, and getting used to affinity’s differences has taken some getting used… to… Ok that was repetitive, moving on.
It’s one of those days. One of those days where I have all of these things I want to do but the universe and the brain chemistry seem to be conspiring against me. Usually this is when I would end up in bed for six hours doing sad boy shit. Today I, you know, tried. I have things to hang, things to cut, things to organize, things to clean, things to trash, things to repair, things to whatever. I went to the store and got some materials to hang my monitor in my room as a makeshift TV, only realizing afterward that there seems to be an entire wall of wires where I want to hang it. I took the legs off of an ill-formed wooden bench to re-do with a friend later on and stored them, finally, somewhere out of the way instead of tiptoeing around them. I’d do it now but, you know, friendship. I have bottles soaking in the sink’s warm water with vinegar, baking soda, and soap, getting ready to have their labels peeled off. It’s a productive day. And now, I’m blogging.
On the days where everything seems to go wrong, it’s easy to say that I didn’t do anything. But writing down the tiniest of accomplishments is a huge help in reframing my negative mindset.
I’ve been recording my meals for the last six days, and each day I’ve gone over my minimum. Mostly from eating out of boredom, or stress (kind of rude that both ends of the spectrum seem to illicit the same response??). But, you know, rewiring. It’s a process. I don’t succeed when I do maximums. Trying to teach myself radical self acceptance is tough, but it’s the only way I’m going to get through this. My goal is to lose 30lbs by my 30th birthday at the end of the year, and, hopefully, 30lbs next year too. I’ve got the weight to spare – in January I was the highest I’d ever been at 250lbs, and I’d lost about 20lbs by March. Since then I’ve just kind of coasted, gaining some of it back + water weight to my current 240lbs. The best I’ve ever felt was about 80lbs lower than this, but I was also an unhealthy 22 year old with time to kill.
Right now I’m trying to focus on not doing self destructive behaviors, being healthy without being obsessive, and forgiving mistakes. I have a bit of a mantra, Live with Intention and Forgive Mistakes. It’s written on my bedroom mirror, and its what I try to tell myself when I’m getting down on myself. The first part is core to everything I want in life: simple living, sustainability, self sufficiency. The second part is getting there. I’ve always been one to give up when I wasn’t perfect. If I didn’t have the money for all the high end tools, or the knowledge to be an expert right pff the bat. I never really learned to not be a perfectionist. I had it drilled into me what I wasn’t capable of or what I couldn’t do, and I’ve kind of always lived that way, even today.
I’m getting there, and it’s hard, but I’m still going. Still trying, still forgiving, still blogging, still striving ’till I’m thriving. It’s exhausting, but it feels promising. The weight loss and the health journey and the chores list, it’s all stiff that’s going to end up on here – my little record of self improvement, something to look back on and remind myself I’m still going. Still, still, still.