Too Many Directions

There’s a lot I want to learn, a lot of ways I want to grow, a lot of things I want to do. At the same time I want to be removed from the constant push society expects us to be in. I want a simple life, but I have none of the simple life skills required to do so.

I picture myself living 100 different lives. I’m flexible, at least in my head. Because I know I could do whatever I imagine, I constantly find myself wanting to do everything. And yet, I don’t have the energy to do much of anything, nor the desire to fill every waking moment with huddle culture.

Just last week I had a post up about my cRaZy plan to learn aLL ThE tHiNgS that I have since removed because (internal monologue): can you like, not? I need a lot of foundational stuff first before I start buying into all these hobbies. I live in a house filled of forgotten projects and unused hobby supplies. As they’ll say on drag race from time to time, I need to edit. The thing about simple living that I need to hack into is balancing work ethic and patience.

My plan for now is to focus on just three things: getting my creative juices flowing (affordably), getting my health and energy in check, and financially stability. A big pitfall for me is that I need to learn to remove consumerism from my creativity. I get an idea in my head – another person I could be – and I sink money into it. Often money I don’t have. Within weeks, I’ll have touched it maybe two times.

It’s not sustainable in any sense of the word. It takes time and energy devoted to a craft that could otherwise have been spent in other ways. It takes those supplies from people who would have actually used them. It costs money. Breaking that consumerism is difficult.

Could have taken a better photo for the blog, but, no

Yesterday, I received my new iMac, and I love it. It was one of the purchases that I weighed all of my options and came out on the better side. Trading in my battery-less laptop for a better experience with all of the peripherals that I needed anyway, an experience that brings me joy, was worth it. The same can not be said for the $64 in art supplies(?!) I bought last week because I was suddenly “getting back into graphic design”(?!).

Take a wild guess to how much time I have spent in the last week practicing drawing. I’ll wait. [beat.] that’s right; one three hour period. That’s it. Guess how much of that time utilized those $64 in art supplies? Trick question! I ordered them afterwards. The answer is: zero!

It’s nothing new. As I said before, my entire home is littered with similar examples. And it’s not to say I don’t intend on learning each and every thing that catches my interest at some point. But it’s no wonder I’m constantly in cycles of debt when I can’t even ruminate on something long enough to pay off the last something.

The fact is, I’d be spending much more time on creative pursuits if I had the energy. A simple life doesn’t mean being devoid of pleasures, of creativity, of learning. For me it means devoting more time for those things. In a similar way, I think the modern mythos looks at simple living as lazy when in actuality, there’s a lot of hard work in living simply, self-sufficiently, sustainably.

I’m in the process of reforming how I view things. I’m working on focusing on what feelings and knowledge I have over what things I have. I’m working on getting my house in order for the psychology of it all. I’m working on being someone who does more with less, rather than being a go-to consumer.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. I think that’s kind of where this blog is heading.


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